It hurts.

I seriously love this guy but I can't. And it hurts me heaps.

Sugar Plum Fairy

Today's weather was gloomy and miserable. I didn't know what I was doing. I woke up in the morning and felt silly. I just wanted to leave that place immediately 'cause i felt so embarrassed.

Fortunately, i got to hold little Stela in my arms. She was a bit naughty - She wouldn't sleep after breast feeding. She kept punching and kicking the air with her little arms and legs. Her mum needed to concentrate on her assignment and didn't know what to do to stop her crying. So, i got little Stela out of her baby swinging bed and let her lean over my scarf on my chest.

She was quite irritable like a unhappy rabbit at first. I shook and patted her in my arms, singing some random melodies that I could possibly think of. She finally closed her eyes and slipped into her dreams.

I hold Stela for a bit longer. She was so adorable, like an angel. I felt really good while holding her, though I was still revolved in grief stage. I didn't know how long would the grief stage be but, at least when I was holding her, my pituitary gland processed a wee bit more endorphin.

Thank you, Stela. You're a sugar plum fairy. You will be a good girl when you grow up.

我突发奇想

二十岁跟二十五岁在一起差五年不稀奇。但是同样相差五年，换个不同的年龄层——

中学： 初一和高三谈恋爱
小学： 一年级和六年级说“我喜欢你”

就显得很奇怪。很奇怪。好像差很远。

To Big C

I wanted to say 'I wish you didn't have OCD.'
Instead, I say 'You will get well soon.'
Of course you will, big C.
And I know you can achieve any accomplishment you want to achieve.
You can do anything you want to do.
You're just astonishing when you say 'I'm getting better.'
Like I have a real gooey/butter lies in my stomach feeling when I'm looking at you.
I give you all my healing power.

There is forever

好几个朋友都有这个经验——当真的很爱、很爱的时候，就真的会认为这就是永远。老实说，我有一点怕这种感觉。

有一个结过两次婚而现在单身的同事告诉我，当她第一次结婚的时候，'I thought it was FOREVER.'

'But now, i end up with nothing.'她用柔和又带点悲伤的眼神看着我。

我惊讶得说不出话。

'nah, i still have my job!'她又打起她的招牌微笑。

又，一同志朋友跟他的男友同居。一天我在他们家hangout，他在我和他男友面前告白：

'I seriously think that this will be forever. I know life is not a fairy tale but this is what im thinking at the moment.'

男友没有说话。男友大他十一二岁。也许他想的跟我一样多——话不要说的那么早。最后只有失望。

然而，把想法说出来是好事。人间就是需要一些美好的向往。

我也希望能够找到我的永远。